When You Want to Die: A Safety Plan

2 a.m. Lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. That day, my wife had found out the full size of the debt. I can’t remember her face. She was crying, I think.

I don’t have the energy to go to work tomorrow. I’m thinking about the life insurance. If I were gone, the family would be better off with the payout. The moment I thought that, I felt a little bit of calm.

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Gambling addiction and suicide

People with gambling addiction are at elevated suicide risk. Studies report a rate 3 to 4 times higher than the general population. Roughly half of people with gambling disorder report past suicidal thinking in some surveys. Among addictions, gambling disorder carries one of the highest suicide risks.

Reasons consistently cited in the research:

• Financial pressure from debt
• Collapse of family relationships and work
• Guilt and shame
• The moment the hidden truth becomes visible
• The cognitive distortion: “they’d be better off without me”
• Co-occurring depression and anxiety

The scene at the top of this chapter is not fiction. Many people with gambling addiction describe something like it. The highest-risk moments are typically the hours and days after your family finds out, the day bills arrive, and the period when legal debt processes start moving.

“Wanting to die” is not a personality defect or weakness. It’s a common symptom of the illness of gambling addiction.

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Why “I’ve decided” isn’t enough

Just deciding “I won’t do it” is not enough.

In a crisis moment, the brain’s brakes (the prefrontal cortex we’ve discussed) are barely working. Judgment, love for your family, none of it functions in that window. Instead, the state is dominated by the pull of “I just want this to stop” and the distortion of “they’d be better off without me.”

A decision made by a calm brain is real. But the decision dissolves in the crisis moment. So instead of a decision, you need a plan.

Decide in advance: “if this sign shows up, I’ll do this.” Write it down. Keep it where you can see it. In the crisis moment, you don’t think. You follow what’s written. This is called a safety plan.

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The six steps

The safety plan was systematized in the U.S. in 2012 (Stanley & Brown) and is now a standard tool in suicide prevention worldwide. Six steps.

Step 1: Recognize your warning signs

Write down the signs that say “something is wrong” for you personally. If they appear, move to the next step.

Examples:

• Several days of insomnia
• Loss of appetite
• No energy to go to work
• Not wanting to talk to anyone
• Thinking about life insurance
• Replaying moments you’d almost gone through with it
• A sudden jump in alcohol use
• “I just want this to stop” on repeat

Write at least five. Writing reveals a pattern.

Step 2: Things you can do on your own

When the warning signs appear, try something you can do alone first. Not “don’t think about it.” “Do something else.”

Examples:

• Go for a walk (outside air and rhythm shift the brain)
• Take a shower or a bath
• Listen to music you love
• 5-4-3-2-1 grounding (same as the craving chapter)
• Write your thoughts down, messy, uncensored
• Spend time with a pet
• Light exercise

Write at least five. You’re not trying to change how you feel. You’re riding out the crisis wave by spending time.

Step 3: Places and situations that distract you

If you can’t stay at home, list places you can go. Include places where you don’t have to talk to anyone.

Examples:

• A 24-hour diner or coffee shop
• A library (daytime)
• A park
• A 24-hour grocery store or a busy transit hub
• A hospital lobby (one with an emergency department)

Being around other people, even without interacting, shifts your brain’s state.

Step 4: People you can call

At least three people you could call or text in crisis. Write their names and numbers.

Talk to these people in advance. “I might reach out to you at a weird hour someday” is enough. You don’t need a polished explanation.

How to choose:

• Someone you won’t hesitate to contact
• Someone who doesn’t need the full story to pick up
• Someone who won’t lecture or blame
• Family, friends, GA members, anyone

Step 5: Professional and crisis resources

For when family and friends aren’t enough.

• Your psychiatrist, therapist, or addiction specialist
• Your local community mental health center
• The Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (24/7, U.S.)
• The Crisis Text Line (text-based, 24/7)
• The National Problem Gambling Helpline (24/7, confidential, operated by NCPG)
• Emergency services or the nearest emergency room for immediate danger

Save these in your phone’s favorites. Also write them on a physical card in your wallet.

Step 6: Limit access to lethal means

In the crisis moment, not having the means within reach is what saves lives.

Physically move away anything that could be used:

• Hand extra prescription medication to a trusted person for safekeeping
• Store or dispose of firearms outside the home (safe storage, a friend’s gun safe, a police station, a licensed FFL dealer). This is the single most effective step if you have access to a gun
• Hand over sharp objects, rope, cords, belts if they’ve been part of your thinking
• If you’ve been thinking about life insurance, hand the policy documents to family
• If you’ve been drawn to specific high locations or bridges, plan routes that avoid them

The idea: don’t trust the “suicidal you” to keep you safe. Take it out of their hands. If the means isn’t within reach in the crisis moment, time passes before you can act. Once time passes, the wave goes down.

The research is clear: limiting access to lethal means is one of the most consistently effective suicide-prevention methods there is.

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In the crisis moment

If you’re having thoughts of ending your life right now, go through these in order:

1. Notice that you’re in crisis Naming the state itself restores a little of your brain’s function.
2. Open your safety plan Wallet, phone wallpaper, kitchen wall, wherever you put it. Pull it out.
3. Try one thing from Step 2 Any one. Just one.
4. If that doesn’t help, move to Step 3 Leave the house. Convenience store, coffee shop, gas station, any other place.
5. If that doesn’t help, go to Step 4 Call the first name on your list. If they don’t answer, the second. Keep going.
6. If that doesn’t help, reach a professional or emergency services (Step 5) No hesitation. You don’t need to explain. “I’m having thoughts of suicide” is enough.

Go through them in order. If one doesn’t work, move to the next. If nothing works, go to the nearest emergency room, or call emergency services.

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When “they found out, and I want to die”

A common pattern in gambling-related suicidal thoughts: debt is discovered, the family falls apart, “I can’t live through this.” The opening scene is one of these moments.

The brain in that state is under strong cognitive distortion. “They’d be better off without me” is almost always wrong.

Debt has a path through it

Debt can be resolved. There are legal paths: debt settlement, Chapter 13 bankruptcy (reorganization), Chapter 7 bankruptcy (discharge). Each has different terms and consequences, but all of them exist precisely because people are expected to survive financial collapse and rebuild. Debt does not end your life. That’s a fact (covered in Chapter 17 and Chapter 18).

Family relationships can rebuild, or other paths open

Family relationships can be rebuilt with time. Rebuilding trust takes a long time, but many people actually do it. Even if it doesn’t rebuild, your life doesn’t end there. Many people have recovered after separation or divorce.

”They’d be better off without me” is not true

This is the most important one.

• Life insurance has many restrictions. In many cases, the payout is not what you imagined
• Families of people who die by suicide carry deep, lasting pain. “Better off” is far from the reality
• If you have children, the impact on their lives is enormous
• Family members often carry lifelong self-blame

“They’d be better off without me” is a textbook cognitive distortion of the crisis brain. It’s understandable that you’d want to believe it. It’s not true.

“They’d be better off without me” is a lie.

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Write your own safety plan

Grab a pen and some paper. Fill this in. It doesn’t have to be perfect. Getting started is what matters.

[My Safety Plan]

1. Warning signs (five or more)

• __________
• __________
• __________
• __________
• __________

2. Things I can do on my own (five or more)

• __________
• __________
• __________
• __________
• __________

3. Places I can go (three or more)

• __________
• __________
• __________

4. People I can call (three names with numbers)

• __________
• __________
• __________

5. Professional and crisis resources

• My psychiatrist / therapist: __________
• Local mental health center: __________
• Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (24/7)
• Crisis Text Line (text-based, 24/7)
• National Problem Gambling Helpline (24/7)

6. Things to keep out of reach

• __________
• __________

When you’re done, take a photo and set it as your phone’s lock screen. Put a paper copy in your wallet. Tape one to the wall at home. In the crisis moment, you won’t have to remember. It’ll be in front of you.

References

• Stanley, B., & Brown, G.K. (2012). Safety Planning Intervention: A Brief Intervention to Mitigate Suicide Risk. Cognitive and Behavioral Practice, 19(2), 256-264.
• Karlsson, A., & Håkansson, A. (2018). Gambling disorder, increased mortality, suicidality, and associated comorbidity: A longitudinal nationwide register study. Journal of Behavioral Addictions, 7(4), 1091-1099.
• Battersby, M., Tolchard, B., Scurrah, M., & Thomas, L. (2006). Suicide ideation and behaviour in people with pathological gambling attending a treatment service. International Journal of Mental Health and Addiction, 4(3), 233-246.
• Wong, P.W.C., Cheung, D.Y.T., Conner, K.R., Conwell, Y., & Yip, P.S.F. (2010). Gambling and completed suicide in Hong Kong: a review of coroner court files. The Primary Care Companion to the Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 12(6), PCC.09m00932.
• Newman, S.C., & Thompson, A.H. (2003). A population-based study of the association between pathological gambling and attempted suicide. Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior, 33(1), 80-87.
• World Health Organization (2014). Preventing Suicide: A Global Imperative. WHO Press.
• Mann, J.J., Apter, A., Bertolote, J., et al. (2005). Suicide prevention strategies: a systematic review. JAMA, 294(16), 2064-2074.