Chapter 10 How to Ask for Help | "Just One More" Won't Stop

10 p.m. Scrolling through my text messages. Three weeks ago I relapsed. Since then I’ve been going back, and I haven’t told anyone. I don’t know who to tell or what to say. I don’t even know what I’m asking for.

My brother. No. He’ll lecture me. A friend from college. No. We haven’t talked in five years. My wife. She already knows the last round, and I can’t put more on her. I stopped scrolling and put the phone face down. I didn’t tell anyone today. I won’t tomorrow either.

“Asking for help” is the hardest thing. I don’t know how. I don’t even know what I’d be asking for.

Asking for help is hard

People with gambling addiction find it especially hard to ask for help. There are many reasons.

Shame: “I can’t believe I’d have to say this out loud”
Pride: “I should be able to handle this on my own”
Past failures: you’ve let the same people down before, you can’t ask them again
Can’t find words: trying to describe your state makes you panic
You don’t know what to ask for: solutions? money? just someone to listen? you haven’t worked it out

These pile up, and the result is “I can’t tell anyone.” Isolation, and the addiction deepening inside it.

“Can’t ask for help” is not a personality problem. It’s a symptom of the illness.

What “asking for help” actually means

A common misconception: “asking for help” doesn’t mean “expecting the other person to solve your problem.”

Not paying off your debt for you
Not curing you
Not giving you answers

What it is:

Taking what’s inside you, putting it into words, and letting someone else hear it.

That’s the core of asking for help. Often the other person has no answers. That’s fine. The act of putting your state into words and having someone hear it is the recovery work.

“Just be heard.” That’s often the most important help.

Who to ask

What to look for

Look for:

Someone who doesn’t lecture
Someone who doesn’t bring up the past
Someone who can let you finish a sentence
Someone who doesn’t default to “this is your fault”
Someone who doesn’t rush to solve

Avoid:

Someone who lectures
Someone who defaults to blame
Someone who always wants to fix
Someone who keeps relitigating the past
Someone who redirects to their own story

Sometimes nobody in your family fits. That’s common. Go outside the family then. You’re not wrong to do that.

Candidates

A trusted family member or relative
An old friend (even if you haven’t talked in a while)
A sponsor or peer from GA (Gamblers Anonymous)
Medical professionals
A support group
A community mental health center staff member
A therapist or counselor
A credit counselor or legal aid lawyer for debt-related issues

“Nobody” is never actually true. Even if family and friends don’t fit, medical and public services always exist.

Examples of the first thing to say

“What do I even say” is often the biggest wall. Here are examples by situation. Use them as-is, or rewrite in your own voice.

To family

“I need to talk to you about something. Do you have a minute?”
“There’s something I haven’t been honest about. Can you listen?”
“I’ve been struggling with gambling. I want us to go to a professional together”
“I can’t do this on my own. I need help”

To a friend

“It’s been a while. Can I talk to you about something?”
“I’ve been struggling with an addiction. Could you just listen?”
“I’ve been hitting a wall doing this alone. Do you have time for a call?”

To a helpline, GA, or a treatment line

“I’m calling about a gambling problem, I’d like to talk to someone”
“I saw your website, this is my first time calling”
“Can you walk me through how to make an appointment?”
“I don’t know where to start. Can you help me figure that out?”

To a trusted coworker

“I need to talk about something personal. Not work related. Is now okay?”

What to say on the first call or visit

You don’t need to know what to say. At the start, these are enough:

Your name
“I have a gambling problem”
“This is my first call”
“I don’t know what to do”

That’s it. No details required. The person on the other end does this for a living. They’ll ask questions. You answer their questions. That’s the first conversation.

You don’t have to explain the whole situation perfectly. You can stumble on words. You can go quiet. They’ll hold the conversation with you.

Small steps if “I can’t talk” is stuck

Don’t wait for perfect words. Don’t wait for the perfect person. Don’t wait for the right time.

“Someday” and “once things calm down” never arrive.

Start with the smallest possible step:

Send one line over text
Email “can we talk?”
Open the support group’s website (you don’t have to read it)
Look up the schedule for a local GA meeting
Save a treatment provider’s number in your phone
Write a helpline number on a piece of paper

These are steps before “asking for help.” Keep doing the smallest step, and one day, you actually make the call.

If they say no

You gathered courage to reach out, and the other person was busy or couldn’t show up. This hurts. Really. A lot of people decide here: “I’m never asking anyone again.”

If one person can’t, move to the next
“I’m busy” and “bad timing” are about them, not about you
It’s not a rejection of you personally
Have at least three names ready

Having options in advance protects you from collapsing when one person can’t answer.

With professionals, don’t hold back

Clinicians, counselors, helpline staff, GA sponsors. For these people, being asked for help is their job.

“Am I bothering them?” “Are they busy?” “Is my problem too small?” These hesitations belong with family and friends. They don’t belong with professionals.

For them, the harder part of the job is when people don’t reach out. Their work is specifically about moving people who find it hard to ask. So lean on them. No need to hold back.

You can open a call by asking “am I bothering you?” if you need to. The answer almost always comes back “not at all.”

References

Suurvali, H., Cordingley, J., Hodgins, D.C., & Cunningham, J. (2009). Barriers to seeking help for gambling problems: A review of the empirical literature. Journal of Gambling Studies, 25(3), 407-424.
Pulford, J., Bellringer, M., Abbott, M., Clarke, D., Hodgins, D., & Williams, J. (2009). Reasons for seeking help for a gambling problem: The experiences of gamblers who have sought specialist assistance and the perceptions of those who have not. Journal of Gambling Studies, 25(1), 19-32.
Cunningham, J.A. (2005). Little use of treatment among problem gamblers. Psychiatric Services, 56(8), 1024-1025.
Hodgins, D.C., & el-Guebaly, N. (2000). Natural and treatment-assisted recovery from gambling problems: a comparison of resolved and active gamblers. Addiction, 95(5), 777-789.
Gainsbury, S., Hing, N., & Suhonen, N. (2014). Professional help-seeking for gambling problems: Awareness, barriers and motivators for treatment. Journal of Gambling Studies, 30(2), 503-519.
Gamblers Anonymous. http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/